And just like that...we're back up.

Life is a roller coaster and it has it's up and downs and for the first time in a long time, I'm feeling up. I'm suddenly realizing that the song Up Up and Away is playing in the background and how appropriate that is. Isn't that always the way. You hate on all the songs on the radio until suddenly it clicks and you understand what Bruno Mars meant when he said "I'd catch a grenade for ya". The song has new meaning and only applies to you, you and the artist are on the same wavelength and no one else could possibly understand. Maybe it's human nature, a desire to reach out and relate to others, draw connections and hold onto them. That's why inside jokes get beaten to death, because you quickly realize you have nothing else in common... but that's neither here nor there. This is about how my life has changed in a week. 

I went from complete depression, like real teenage angst at it's finest. A girl reading too much into a situation, putting everything aside to feed the thought, only to be ignored and tortured, but she loved every second of that too, because at least it meant she was feeling something for someone, and that's better than not feeling anything at all. Anyway, I get back to school, and everything just fell into place. I got an internship, I'm doing well in my classes, I'm on good terms with that boy, I'm back at work, got all the hours I wanted, Exam P got delayed due to snow, I got a snow day, and I'm having fun with my friends. So for now, life is grand and love will come, no pressure. 

When it rains...it pours.

I had an interview for an internship a month ago, haven't heard anything from them. Sent my resume out to a couple places...no responses. Texted the boy I like...no reply. Lost 2 pounds...gained 5. Got a raise at work... on my last day.
I have to retake a class this semester. I haven't purchased any of the books yet. My left tail light is out. I overdrafted money from my account. My credit card bill is out of control. My hair dye is brassy, I have split ends, I ignored all the warnings and cut my own bangs, cutting my nose to spite my face. I have a huge sore on my chin that I can't get rid of. And I'm not even wearing matching socks.

Religion vs. Spirituality

I'm not a particularly religious person, I'm not religious at all actually. And I don't want to jump on the "spiritual" bandwagon but that definitely is the best way to describe it. I feel like I went shopping for spirituality and took a little something from every religion. I believe in karma and dharma and yin-yang and the golden rule and the ten commandments and that there is a Higher Power up there... but that's where I stop. 


The reason I bring this up is because I had a long talk with my suitemate about religion the other day. She's Muslim, but her mother was Catholic and supposed to convert when they married, but never really did... My suitemate was confused as to what religion she was because she doesn't agree with everything Islam stands for, and after 9/11 she was scared to say she was Muslim. Regardless we had a long talk about how we're both more spiritual and would rather not label ourselves a certain religion. 


I also started thinking about how much I liked Taoism when I was learning about it. The circular pattern of life was just the most positive outlook I could have imagined. That after a really bad time you will come into a really good time in your life. And that really pleased me. But right now, right this second, "I am completely, and perfectly, and incandescently happy". To the point that I am terrified of what's going to come along and screw this up. I am so afraid of losing this feeling..I don't know what to do that will comfort me. 

Perspectives

So my roommate was hooking up with this guy, and then he told her there was no future so she got over it and started hooking up with his best friend (the next day). Which I mean, it's more complicated and somewhat justifiable but still not a good situation to find oneself in. Anyway the first guy confronts me about the situation and asks where she is and gives me his take on things. He said something along the lines of:

She always contacted me first; she always text me to go places. I deducted from that that she wanted a relationship, and I didn't want to lead her on, so I told her up front that I wasn't interested past the occasional weekend hook up. 

I started thinking about his newfound revelation, that maybe guys overanalyze just as much as girls do. My problem is that I like his roommate. I don't know if I'm ready for a relationship or anything, given my track record. But I could definitely see this thing going somewhere. But he's really shy. So I have to text him a lot of the time, and when we hang out he gets more comfortable and outgoing and we have a lot of fun. But am I not supposed to contact him? Is his roommate going to over analyze this situation and tell him to run? 


When it comes to shamelessly flirting with no intention of getting serious, is it okay to take charge?

Reality please.

So my life is on repeat right now. Go to bed late every night sometime past midnight, sober if it's during the week, inebriated if it's the weekend. But regardless of the condition I am in when I enter my cocoon, I come out of it not as a beautiful butterfly ready to face the day, but as a drunk slob. I wake up hammered, every morning. I don't know who I am, what day it is, where I am, what I have to do...nothing. I wake up and have to catch myself up on my life. It's not fun, and it's not funny. It's just exhausting.

So after this ten minute recap of my life, I suddenly realize I'm now late, and I start rushing to the uncomfortably small shower. Then try on at least three different outfits before I decide it's a sweatpants kind of day. And then haul ass to class, where I sit and doodle for fifty minutes and still try to catch up with myself. And this happens every bloody day. I haven't been this confused since... well since last semester. 


There's something about college and being away from home that has me lost. My priorities are so out of whack it's unbelievable and my perception of time is no where close to linear.  I feel like Alice in Wonderland, except completely pathetic and without the guidance of a sexy mad-hatter. I need a reality check and sooner rather than later. 

Procrastinating Life.

So procrastination tends to be my thing. I know it's everyone's thing, but really no one's on my level. I have a midterm exam due in 23hours that I haven't started; a Mermaid movie and essay to write by Wednesday night, that I haven't started; a complete Lesson Plan which will be somewhere around 15 pages due Friday, that when I say I haven't started I mean I haven't picked a topic to teach the class; and an Actuarial stats 3 exam on Friday, that I plan on winging. 

And with all this on my plate what am I doing at quarter to one on a Monday night? Doing homework?? Certainly not! I have caught myself up on The Event, visited friends, flirted with boys, cheated on my diet, and am writing on this blog that only one person reads, all to avoid work or is it reality. I tend to just blow homework off till the night before an exam as it is, so what am I really procrastinating? MY LIFE?? 

I feel like when I'm up at school, I'm living a dream, not the disney quintessential dream, but the dream as in it's not real. Like you know when you black out, and you kinda phase in and out of the real world, and you think your dreaming and then it's like a splash of cold water wakes you up for two seconds, but then fall back into blur?? Well I feel like school is the black out, dream, part of this night I call life. I feel like I don't have control of anything in my life when I'm up here. My work ethic, my motivation, my reason, it's all in New Jersey, and I'm stuck here without direction or hope. 

Maybe it's fear? Fear of the future, longing for the past, not understanding the present. I'm just lost. I'm just procrastinating. I'm just...

Nauseating songs.

So there’s all these shitty love songs that are coming out. You smile I smile- gag. I love you just the way you are- gfy. All these bull shit love songs, gimme a fucking break. Then I hear a song from the 90’s, that Dawson’s Creek song, and I love it and still remember all the words. When I actually think about the lyrics, they make me want to throw up.

So why is it that I tolerate all the older songs, but none of the ones today? Hmmm maybe it’s because the ones coming out today are sung by prepubescent boys who aren’t allowed to date, as opposed the Backstreet Boys, N’SYNC, and 98˚. Maybe it’s because I was 10 years old, and young, gullible, naïve, and romantic and just plain wanted to believe in the songs.

Whereas now I’m 20. The world has hardened me. I have been crushed time after time by the heavy blow of reality in that I do not fit the cookie cutter girls that guys my age are into. Woo is me.  But for real. I know im being melodramatic but really in that moment, to every girl, all that matters in the world is that guy’s opinion. And I know it’s shitty. I get it. Relax. I’m maturing every day. But we do fall victim to narcissism sometimes and consequently to judgement by Vygotsky’s audience.

So the moral of the story is that I’m not buying today’s music because

A.      1. I am bitter.

B.      2. It’s just not entertaining.

C.      3.The lyrics are in no way clever.

D.      4. The artists are too young to be taken seriously.