Religion vs. Spirituality

I'm not a particularly religious person, I'm not religious at all actually. And I don't want to jump on the "spiritual" bandwagon but that definitely is the best way to describe it. I feel like I went shopping for spirituality and took a little something from every religion. I believe in karma and dharma and yin-yang and the golden rule and the ten commandments and that there is a Higher Power up there... but that's where I stop. 


The reason I bring this up is because I had a long talk with my suitemate about religion the other day. She's Muslim, but her mother was Catholic and supposed to convert when they married, but never really did... My suitemate was confused as to what religion she was because she doesn't agree with everything Islam stands for, and after 9/11 she was scared to say she was Muslim. Regardless we had a long talk about how we're both more spiritual and would rather not label ourselves a certain religion. 


I also started thinking about how much I liked Taoism when I was learning about it. The circular pattern of life was just the most positive outlook I could have imagined. That after a really bad time you will come into a really good time in your life. And that really pleased me. But right now, right this second, "I am completely, and perfectly, and incandescently happy". To the point that I am terrified of what's going to come along and screw this up. I am so afraid of losing this feeling..I don't know what to do that will comfort me. 

Perspectives

So my roommate was hooking up with this guy, and then he told her there was no future so she got over it and started hooking up with his best friend (the next day). Which I mean, it's more complicated and somewhat justifiable but still not a good situation to find oneself in. Anyway the first guy confronts me about the situation and asks where she is and gives me his take on things. He said something along the lines of:

She always contacted me first; she always text me to go places. I deducted from that that she wanted a relationship, and I didn't want to lead her on, so I told her up front that I wasn't interested past the occasional weekend hook up. 

I started thinking about his newfound revelation, that maybe guys overanalyze just as much as girls do. My problem is that I like his roommate. I don't know if I'm ready for a relationship or anything, given my track record. But I could definitely see this thing going somewhere. But he's really shy. So I have to text him a lot of the time, and when we hang out he gets more comfortable and outgoing and we have a lot of fun. But am I not supposed to contact him? Is his roommate going to over analyze this situation and tell him to run? 


When it comes to shamelessly flirting with no intention of getting serious, is it okay to take charge?

Reality please.

So my life is on repeat right now. Go to bed late every night sometime past midnight, sober if it's during the week, inebriated if it's the weekend. But regardless of the condition I am in when I enter my cocoon, I come out of it not as a beautiful butterfly ready to face the day, but as a drunk slob. I wake up hammered, every morning. I don't know who I am, what day it is, where I am, what I have to do...nothing. I wake up and have to catch myself up on my life. It's not fun, and it's not funny. It's just exhausting.

So after this ten minute recap of my life, I suddenly realize I'm now late, and I start rushing to the uncomfortably small shower. Then try on at least three different outfits before I decide it's a sweatpants kind of day. And then haul ass to class, where I sit and doodle for fifty minutes and still try to catch up with myself. And this happens every bloody day. I haven't been this confused since... well since last semester. 


There's something about college and being away from home that has me lost. My priorities are so out of whack it's unbelievable and my perception of time is no where close to linear.  I feel like Alice in Wonderland, except completely pathetic and without the guidance of a sexy mad-hatter. I need a reality check and sooner rather than later. 

Procrastinating Life.

So procrastination tends to be my thing. I know it's everyone's thing, but really no one's on my level. I have a midterm exam due in 23hours that I haven't started; a Mermaid movie and essay to write by Wednesday night, that I haven't started; a complete Lesson Plan which will be somewhere around 15 pages due Friday, that when I say I haven't started I mean I haven't picked a topic to teach the class; and an Actuarial stats 3 exam on Friday, that I plan on winging. 

And with all this on my plate what am I doing at quarter to one on a Monday night? Doing homework?? Certainly not! I have caught myself up on The Event, visited friends, flirted with boys, cheated on my diet, and am writing on this blog that only one person reads, all to avoid work or is it reality. I tend to just blow homework off till the night before an exam as it is, so what am I really procrastinating? MY LIFE?? 

I feel like when I'm up at school, I'm living a dream, not the disney quintessential dream, but the dream as in it's not real. Like you know when you black out, and you kinda phase in and out of the real world, and you think your dreaming and then it's like a splash of cold water wakes you up for two seconds, but then fall back into blur?? Well I feel like school is the black out, dream, part of this night I call life. I feel like I don't have control of anything in my life when I'm up here. My work ethic, my motivation, my reason, it's all in New Jersey, and I'm stuck here without direction or hope. 

Maybe it's fear? Fear of the future, longing for the past, not understanding the present. I'm just lost. I'm just procrastinating. I'm just...

Nauseating songs.

So there’s all these shitty love songs that are coming out. You smile I smile- gag. I love you just the way you are- gfy. All these bull shit love songs, gimme a fucking break. Then I hear a song from the 90’s, that Dawson’s Creek song, and I love it and still remember all the words. When I actually think about the lyrics, they make me want to throw up.

So why is it that I tolerate all the older songs, but none of the ones today? Hmmm maybe it’s because the ones coming out today are sung by prepubescent boys who aren’t allowed to date, as opposed the Backstreet Boys, N’SYNC, and 98˚. Maybe it’s because I was 10 years old, and young, gullible, naïve, and romantic and just plain wanted to believe in the songs.

Whereas now I’m 20. The world has hardened me. I have been crushed time after time by the heavy blow of reality in that I do not fit the cookie cutter girls that guys my age are into. Woo is me.  But for real. I know im being melodramatic but really in that moment, to every girl, all that matters in the world is that guy’s opinion. And I know it’s shitty. I get it. Relax. I’m maturing every day. But we do fall victim to narcissism sometimes and consequently to judgement by Vygotsky’s audience.

So the moral of the story is that I’m not buying today’s music because

A.      1. I am bitter.

B.      2. It’s just not entertaining.

C.      3.The lyrics are in no way clever.

D.      4. The artists are too young to be taken seriously.

My Different Selves

So today I drove home from Toronto, an eight hour drive. I had nothing but distance, time, and thoughts. I couldn't help but think of all the fun I had had spending with my family and little cousins. I felt like that's the real me: the person I am with my extended family. Or that's the me I want to be all the time. 

Then, I started to think of all the other mes, that I portray to the world. There's the annoying sister, spoiled daughter, angry cashier, hostile host, impatient driver, excellent student, lazy student, sloppy roommate, loyal friend, awesome shortstop, girl next door, sweaty girl on the treadmill... what have you. But isn't it sad that no matter how long I know someone, they'll never know all of me... My parents have known me 20 years, they haven't met the crazy party girl, but she's there. I mean that's kind of depressing. Why are we here if someone won't be able to know all of us? It just makes me feel so alone.

Sabotage or Coincidence

So I've always been a commitment-phobe, and there's no legitimate reason for the fear. I come from a long line of happy and successful marriages. However, I have never been in a serious relationship, and because of that I guess I rely on my friends' experiences as well as what I've seen in movies. And for whatever reason this fear of commitment has developed.

So how do I get over this fear? Because it is definitely hindering my love life from blossoming. I mean I have crushes sure... but I have like 6 crushes at a time. And each crush helps me get over the previous one, andddd allows me to pull "classic Sinead" and when one of the crushes actually asks me out, I get nervous and freak out and convince myself that I like one of the other 5 more, so it's not "fair" to this one for me to go out with him. What? What sick, self loathing mind would do that?

I also have a habit of having crushes on guys in really serious relationships. Is that because they are such good catches and I recognize that, or is it because they are unavailable, so I won't have to follow through with anything??

Am I sabotaging myself or is it a coincidence that I like so many guys at once and most of them are unavailable?

Damage Control

So my parents are gone from now until Sunday. So what would any normal 20 year old do? Throw a party, invite a guy over... yeah no. I'm working on damage control right now. I'm in a lot of trouble for a drinking then driving, 5 hours later, incident that lost me my car for this coming school year. Understandable punishment. However, since it was a first (and last) offense and luckily nothing happened and I have now understand the possible consequences, plus the fact that there's no where to drive at my school, that punishment can be viewed as somewhat harsh.

While they're gone I'm "watching" my 16 and 17 year old brothers and our puppy. Forty-five minutes after they had left, while I'm out with my girl friends indulging in our guilty pleasures, I get a phone call from my brother. Frantically explaining to me that the younger brother kicked down the back door and invited a ton of his friends over, so he beat the crap out of him, and now there's a huge gang of kids outside trying to come in, while Darragh locked himself in his room and Chris is trying to break in and Digger is running up and down the stairs crying.

So I'm trying my best to prove to my parents that I am a responsible adult and can be trusted. Wish me luck, the Irish tend to be stubborn.

Grey Area

So I've always been independent. I've never actually been in a serious relationship, because I don't know how to...I don't know how to depend on someone else. And I told myself when I was a girl that I would never sit around and wait for a boy to notice me.. and here I am sulking and waiting around for this guy to text me??? Who am I? My younger self wouldn't recognize me.

I want to more than anything have that silly middle school relationship but I'm 20. Guys my age and older are looking for something a little more physical, but less serious at the same time. There's no I like him, he likes me, let's go out. There's no will you go out with me, check yes, check no. It's more of: he seems to be flirting with me and I really like him; we text sporadically; and he keeps blowing me off. There's no black and white like there used to be. My whole love life is in the grey area.


And I keep telling myself to let it go, but you know that feeling... the way your stomach flips when he says hi, your blood rushes to your cheeks, and you have to catch your breath when he walks away; how excited you get when you see the text is from him? I don't want to loose that feeling. But does holding on to him just to feel that make me desperate? Umm Yes. Ok so I'm making other plans. I can't sit here and wallow.

Day 1: Why?

So, my friend forced me to do this, after all the effort she put in to show me how to work a blog, she said if I don't actually use it she'll kick me in the face. So here we are. I've never kept a blog, or a journal or diary before. And I'm not all that sure how to use it. What I'm supposed to be writing is an obscure concept to me right now. I am not a great writer, Stephenie Meyer is better than I and that's saying something, so I apologize in advance for all the grammatical errors and poor writing style. I'm out of practice to say the least. But I do have a lot on my mind, so I'm starting a blog.

I work with numbers, studying to be an actuary at Bryant Univeristy. I'm currently studying to take Exam P, which I've failed 3 times. So if your thinking oh actuary she must be smart, you're mistaken. I'm a dumbass. But to my defense this exam is impossible. It's 30 questions in 3 hours and they throw away a random 5 and they want something like 21 right out of the random 25. And they're the most impossible questions about the independent life spans of a man and wife and the probability that the wife survives the husband by at least 2 years... righttt. Anyway, I'm better at numbers than I am with words. I don't pretend to be a writer. I'm not. Obviously. And I'm not all that sure that I have anything worth saying. But I do have things that I would like to share.

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Have you ever gotten home from work, wanting to just relax? You jump on your bed, head hits the pillow, reach for you reach for your laptop and pull up itunes and play your favorite song to help you unwind; kick off your shoes, and right when the chorus begins, and you feel the happiest you've been all day - your mom calls your name, the way only a mother can. You ignore it the first time hoping she'll go away or won't need you anymore. But then a louder, more annoyed call of Shin-ADE! pierces the air and vibrates through the walls. And everything goes to shit. Yeah I got to go...