My Different Selves

So today I drove home from Toronto, an eight hour drive. I had nothing but distance, time, and thoughts. I couldn't help but think of all the fun I had had spending with my family and little cousins. I felt like that's the real me: the person I am with my extended family. Or that's the me I want to be all the time. 

Then, I started to think of all the other mes, that I portray to the world. There's the annoying sister, spoiled daughter, angry cashier, hostile host, impatient driver, excellent student, lazy student, sloppy roommate, loyal friend, awesome shortstop, girl next door, sweaty girl on the treadmill... what have you. But isn't it sad that no matter how long I know someone, they'll never know all of me... My parents have known me 20 years, they haven't met the crazy party girl, but she's there. I mean that's kind of depressing. Why are we here if someone won't be able to know all of us? It just makes me feel so alone.

Sabotage or Coincidence

So I've always been a commitment-phobe, and there's no legitimate reason for the fear. I come from a long line of happy and successful marriages. However, I have never been in a serious relationship, and because of that I guess I rely on my friends' experiences as well as what I've seen in movies. And for whatever reason this fear of commitment has developed.

So how do I get over this fear? Because it is definitely hindering my love life from blossoming. I mean I have crushes sure... but I have like 6 crushes at a time. And each crush helps me get over the previous one, andddd allows me to pull "classic Sinead" and when one of the crushes actually asks me out, I get nervous and freak out and convince myself that I like one of the other 5 more, so it's not "fair" to this one for me to go out with him. What? What sick, self loathing mind would do that?

I also have a habit of having crushes on guys in really serious relationships. Is that because they are such good catches and I recognize that, or is it because they are unavailable, so I won't have to follow through with anything??

Am I sabotaging myself or is it a coincidence that I like so many guys at once and most of them are unavailable?

Damage Control

So my parents are gone from now until Sunday. So what would any normal 20 year old do? Throw a party, invite a guy over... yeah no. I'm working on damage control right now. I'm in a lot of trouble for a drinking then driving, 5 hours later, incident that lost me my car for this coming school year. Understandable punishment. However, since it was a first (and last) offense and luckily nothing happened and I have now understand the possible consequences, plus the fact that there's no where to drive at my school, that punishment can be viewed as somewhat harsh.

While they're gone I'm "watching" my 16 and 17 year old brothers and our puppy. Forty-five minutes after they had left, while I'm out with my girl friends indulging in our guilty pleasures, I get a phone call from my brother. Frantically explaining to me that the younger brother kicked down the back door and invited a ton of his friends over, so he beat the crap out of him, and now there's a huge gang of kids outside trying to come in, while Darragh locked himself in his room and Chris is trying to break in and Digger is running up and down the stairs crying.

So I'm trying my best to prove to my parents that I am a responsible adult and can be trusted. Wish me luck, the Irish tend to be stubborn.

Grey Area

So I've always been independent. I've never actually been in a serious relationship, because I don't know how to...I don't know how to depend on someone else. And I told myself when I was a girl that I would never sit around and wait for a boy to notice me.. and here I am sulking and waiting around for this guy to text me??? Who am I? My younger self wouldn't recognize me.

I want to more than anything have that silly middle school relationship but I'm 20. Guys my age and older are looking for something a little more physical, but less serious at the same time. There's no I like him, he likes me, let's go out. There's no will you go out with me, check yes, check no. It's more of: he seems to be flirting with me and I really like him; we text sporadically; and he keeps blowing me off. There's no black and white like there used to be. My whole love life is in the grey area.


And I keep telling myself to let it go, but you know that feeling... the way your stomach flips when he says hi, your blood rushes to your cheeks, and you have to catch your breath when he walks away; how excited you get when you see the text is from him? I don't want to loose that feeling. But does holding on to him just to feel that make me desperate? Umm Yes. Ok so I'm making other plans. I can't sit here and wallow.

Day 1: Why?

So, my friend forced me to do this, after all the effort she put in to show me how to work a blog, she said if I don't actually use it she'll kick me in the face. So here we are. I've never kept a blog, or a journal or diary before. And I'm not all that sure how to use it. What I'm supposed to be writing is an obscure concept to me right now. I am not a great writer, Stephenie Meyer is better than I and that's saying something, so I apologize in advance for all the grammatical errors and poor writing style. I'm out of practice to say the least. But I do have a lot on my mind, so I'm starting a blog.

I work with numbers, studying to be an actuary at Bryant Univeristy. I'm currently studying to take Exam P, which I've failed 3 times. So if your thinking oh actuary she must be smart, you're mistaken. I'm a dumbass. But to my defense this exam is impossible. It's 30 questions in 3 hours and they throw away a random 5 and they want something like 21 right out of the random 25. And they're the most impossible questions about the independent life spans of a man and wife and the probability that the wife survives the husband by at least 2 years... righttt. Anyway, I'm better at numbers than I am with words. I don't pretend to be a writer. I'm not. Obviously. And I'm not all that sure that I have anything worth saying. But I do have things that I would like to share.

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Have you ever gotten home from work, wanting to just relax? You jump on your bed, head hits the pillow, reach for you reach for your laptop and pull up itunes and play your favorite song to help you unwind; kick off your shoes, and right when the chorus begins, and you feel the happiest you've been all day - your mom calls your name, the way only a mother can. You ignore it the first time hoping she'll go away or won't need you anymore. But then a louder, more annoyed call of Shin-ADE! pierces the air and vibrates through the walls. And everything goes to shit. Yeah I got to go...