Reality please.

So my life is on repeat right now. Go to bed late every night sometime past midnight, sober if it's during the week, inebriated if it's the weekend. But regardless of the condition I am in when I enter my cocoon, I come out of it not as a beautiful butterfly ready to face the day, but as a drunk slob. I wake up hammered, every morning. I don't know who I am, what day it is, where I am, what I have to do...nothing. I wake up and have to catch myself up on my life. It's not fun, and it's not funny. It's just exhausting.

So after this ten minute recap of my life, I suddenly realize I'm now late, and I start rushing to the uncomfortably small shower. Then try on at least three different outfits before I decide it's a sweatpants kind of day. And then haul ass to class, where I sit and doodle for fifty minutes and still try to catch up with myself. And this happens every bloody day. I haven't been this confused since... well since last semester. 


There's something about college and being away from home that has me lost. My priorities are so out of whack it's unbelievable and my perception of time is no where close to linear.  I feel like Alice in Wonderland, except completely pathetic and without the guidance of a sexy mad-hatter. I need a reality check and sooner rather than later. 

Procrastinating Life.

So procrastination tends to be my thing. I know it's everyone's thing, but really no one's on my level. I have a midterm exam due in 23hours that I haven't started; a Mermaid movie and essay to write by Wednesday night, that I haven't started; a complete Lesson Plan which will be somewhere around 15 pages due Friday, that when I say I haven't started I mean I haven't picked a topic to teach the class; and an Actuarial stats 3 exam on Friday, that I plan on winging. 

And with all this on my plate what am I doing at quarter to one on a Monday night? Doing homework?? Certainly not! I have caught myself up on The Event, visited friends, flirted with boys, cheated on my diet, and am writing on this blog that only one person reads, all to avoid work or is it reality. I tend to just blow homework off till the night before an exam as it is, so what am I really procrastinating? MY LIFE?? 

I feel like when I'm up at school, I'm living a dream, not the disney quintessential dream, but the dream as in it's not real. Like you know when you black out, and you kinda phase in and out of the real world, and you think your dreaming and then it's like a splash of cold water wakes you up for two seconds, but then fall back into blur?? Well I feel like school is the black out, dream, part of this night I call life. I feel like I don't have control of anything in my life when I'm up here. My work ethic, my motivation, my reason, it's all in New Jersey, and I'm stuck here without direction or hope. 

Maybe it's fear? Fear of the future, longing for the past, not understanding the present. I'm just lost. I'm just procrastinating. I'm just...

Nauseating songs.

So there’s all these shitty love songs that are coming out. You smile I smile- gag. I love you just the way you are- gfy. All these bull shit love songs, gimme a fucking break. Then I hear a song from the 90’s, that Dawson’s Creek song, and I love it and still remember all the words. When I actually think about the lyrics, they make me want to throw up.

So why is it that I tolerate all the older songs, but none of the ones today? Hmmm maybe it’s because the ones coming out today are sung by prepubescent boys who aren’t allowed to date, as opposed the Backstreet Boys, N’SYNC, and 98˚. Maybe it’s because I was 10 years old, and young, gullible, naïve, and romantic and just plain wanted to believe in the songs.

Whereas now I’m 20. The world has hardened me. I have been crushed time after time by the heavy blow of reality in that I do not fit the cookie cutter girls that guys my age are into. Woo is me.  But for real. I know im being melodramatic but really in that moment, to every girl, all that matters in the world is that guy’s opinion. And I know it’s shitty. I get it. Relax. I’m maturing every day. But we do fall victim to narcissism sometimes and consequently to judgement by Vygotsky’s audience.

So the moral of the story is that I’m not buying today’s music because

A.      1. I am bitter.

B.      2. It’s just not entertaining.

C.      3.The lyrics are in no way clever.

D.      4. The artists are too young to be taken seriously.