Grey Area

So I've always been independent. I've never actually been in a serious relationship, because I don't know how to...I don't know how to depend on someone else. And I told myself when I was a girl that I would never sit around and wait for a boy to notice me.. and here I am sulking and waiting around for this guy to text me??? Who am I? My younger self wouldn't recognize me.

I want to more than anything have that silly middle school relationship but I'm 20. Guys my age and older are looking for something a little more physical, but less serious at the same time. There's no I like him, he likes me, let's go out. There's no will you go out with me, check yes, check no. It's more of: he seems to be flirting with me and I really like him; we text sporadically; and he keeps blowing me off. There's no black and white like there used to be. My whole love life is in the grey area.


And I keep telling myself to let it go, but you know that feeling... the way your stomach flips when he says hi, your blood rushes to your cheeks, and you have to catch your breath when he walks away; how excited you get when you see the text is from him? I don't want to loose that feeling. But does holding on to him just to feel that make me desperate? Umm Yes. Ok so I'm making other plans. I can't sit here and wallow.